Thousand and one apologies

It is not easy taking the courage to write this. But if I don'y I feel guilty and perhaps ashamed of myself.

If you see this, my friend, I am really sorry. Please give me a chance to hear me out ok? Please accept me as a friend again ok?

I wrote this:

Dear Zi Wei,

Greetings! How’s everything going? Well I really don’t know whether you would delete this mail or at least take a peek. I am writing this letter as a man, as your previous friend and a room mate, to request for your forgiveness on my rashness and cantankerous disposition at that point of time in Cornell last year. Time flies, and it has been 4 months since I left that place to seek treatment back in Singapore.
If you are unaware, I am not coming back to Cornell anymore and I will be pursuing studies in NUS. During my stay in Cayuga Mental Institute, my depression was under control and I took a very positive outlook on life. At that point, I was still unaware of a condition that is still dragging on me. I was still blaming you for most of the things that happened. I am pretty sure that I can testify to you that it was not Darren in Cornell; It was Bulimia, the evil eating Disorder. I was not aware of this condition and compulsion was still holding me. Exercise is like my only friend and eating is my way of life. I shy away from you guys… I disgust you people by the way I eat, the way I exercise and running away from social events by hiding in my own corner. I was pitifully trapped in my own binge/purge cycle but instead of seeking help, I got drag down by depression, thinking that I am the only one in this world, feeling so lonely and thinking that you have “betrayed me”. You see I know these are all lies but I really was controlled by this disease.

Zi Wei, I am really sorry for blaming you, for being childish and for scaring you. Now that I have normalized, I am still intrigued by my supernatural ability to exercise so much and was utterly disgusted by my actions and attitude. Can I say something…. I hate my life in cornell. What the hell am I doing? Waking up 5am everyday to go gym, going gym in between classes, rejecting having dinner with you people so that I can have my own secret binges with buffet all alone. I became less and less like the Darren that I have used to be, the cheerful, playful and sociable Darren. Come to think of it, I am shameful of my past. I still remember that you have asked me out for swimming just before we flew off for Cornell. It was like more or less me and myself, happily telling you not to disturb “me” and letting me finish my 20 laps. Seriously, I must be insane. You’ve asked me out and I’ve transformed it into my own Physical Training session.

However, ever since I stepped into eating disorder program and was warded into SGH for 3 weeks, my life has been transformed. I know more about myself and whose voice am I hearing. I learnt that these guilt after eating is just silly and learnt how to listen to my hunger cues instead of restricting myself. Not only that, my greatest happiness was my freedom from the bondage of compulsive exercise. During my recovery, I found this the Hardest part to conquer. But in Jesus’s name, I did it. I told my father to threw away my handgrip in representation of my rebellion against my compulsion. It was difficult. During my recovery, I was still hiding in toilets, exercising. Getting caught by nurses doing crunches on bed and waking at night to exercise. As time goes by, with the help of medication, my family support and the correct channeling of my determination, I start to cut off my compulsion. Now, without exercise, I start to realize that there are so many beautiful things in life. I love the life that God has given to me. I really love my family for they are the one that I can always fall back upon to seek shelter and love. Lastly, I regained my friendships that I have lost through succumbing to the compulsions of my bulimic behavior. I thank my friends for the assurance of this renewed friendship and the fact that they have not looked down on me but are inturn impressed by the courage to start life afresh, to mend my broken tracks.

The treatment process was not easy but it is worth it. For this one year that I would be lagging behind my peers, I believe it will be a blessing in disguise. I believe that this is a U-Turn point set up by God that would deter me from heading nearer toward the Evil one.

Lastly, after explaining so much, I realize that there is still one part of me which is sadden, which is this inflamed relationship we had. Please forgive me, as I have forgiven myself. Please give me a chance to befriend you again. Please give me a chance to share that I really love you as a friend. I am truly sorry for the past, Zi Wei and I hope all will turn out bright for you.

I wish to hear something from you!

Your truely,



Neo Chi Jin Darren
Assistant Lab Officer
Animall Cell Technology
BTI, A*STAR

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Ok I must head back to the lab now to passage my cells before they overgrow. I also have to check whether the antibodies are running out... reporting to my supervisor later..

so long pals...